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Navigating Healthy Communication

Life InSight
We’ve all heard the age-old adage – “the key to a healthy relationship is communication.” While this advice is sound, it’s also quite vague. In this post, we'll explore four common patterns identified by the Gottman Institute that can disrupt healthy communication, whether between parent and child or between any two people. While identifying these patterns, we'll present practical remedies to transform these missteps into opportunities for growth and understanding.

Criticism: Recognizing the Blame Game

Criticism refers to the act of expressing judgment about someone, often pointing out perceived faults, shortcomings, or mistakes. It entails making personal, verbal attacks and is more than just voicing a complaint about a specific issue. This pattern can be detrimental especially in parent-child dynamics. The solution lies in expressing concerns without blame. Utilize "I statements" to convey your needs, fostering an environment where communication focuses on feelings and needs rather than accusations. For example, rather than stating, "You did badly on your math test. You never try hard enough," you can try saying "I am worried your recent math grade and would like to talk about it with you."

Contempt: Shifting to Positivity

Contempt means treating others with disrespect, mocking or ridiculing them with sarcasm, name calling, and using body language such as eye rolling or scoffing. In short, being mean. Contempt is even worse than criticism as it conveys a position of moral superiority over the person you are talking to. The healthier approach is creating a culture of appreciation and admiration. If you regularly express affection and gratitude, it will shift your relationship to be more positive. Instead of saying something like, "Ugh, what is wrong with you? When I was your age, I always got up on time," you can replace it with, "I know it has been difficult getting to sleep on time recently. Maybe you could try setting more alarms? I would appreciate that."

Defensiveness: Embracing Responsibility

Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism and is incredibly common in all relationships. When we feel accused, we might try to play the victim or use excuses to get out of the conversation. The problem is, by doing so we communicate we don’t take the complaint being presented seriously. The remedy is accepting responsibility. By owning our part in a conflict or issue, we not only validate the concern, but also express we are willing to share the load in figuring it out. Rather than saying, "I’m too busy to wash the dishes right now. You know I have that huge project due tomorrow!" you can share, "I forgot to do them. I should have let you know I would be busy with my project today and wouldn’t get to them until later."

Stonewalling: Taking a Break for Clearer Conversations

Stonewalling is when someone completely withdraws from a conversation by no longer responding. It typically happens when we feel flooded and overwhelmed with emotion. The solution is to take a break to allow emotions to cool down, engaging in relaxing activities before resuming the conversation with a clearer perspective. For example, instead of remaining silent in response to your partner sharing, you can try saying, "Sorry to interrupt, I’m actually feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. Can we take a break and continue this in 30 minutes?"

Awareness of these flawed communication styles is the first step toward fostering healthier interactions. By implementing these new approaches to your communication, we can transform moments of tension into opportunities for understanding and connection, ultimately enhancing the overall satisfaction of your relationships!

About Life InSight Center

At Life InSight, we offer comprehensive evaluations & individualized therapy focused on supporting families to achieve the right balance for their emotional, academic, and social success. If you or your child is struggling emotionally, socially, or academically, Life InSight will help diagnose the problem and find a comprehensive solution. We offer a complete range of Diagnostic Evaluations; Individual, Group, and Family Therapy; as well as School Consultation, IEP Planning, and Program Review. Our mission is to restore & rebuild lives by empowering our families to grow and develop. 
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Sometimes, changes to your child’s or teen’s personality can leave you wondering whether he or she may be exhibiting signs of a natural development or symptoms of something more serious. Oftentimes, parents find themselves wondering, “How do you talk to your children about their mental health?” and “Do they need therapy?” In fact, many families who contact our center begin by asking these same questions. Christina Futterknecht, one of Life InSight’s therapists, can help shed some light on this area. Christina has worked closely with children and adolescents across settings – including home, school, and private office. She says, “It’s important to observe if a child’s challenges significantly impact their everyday life. Parents should focus on a few key factors, such as their behavior, emotions, learning and relationships with others. Their problems can also change how they typically cope with situations, leaving them more anxious or frustrated. Understanding how your child is affected may help guide what support they receive.” According to Christina, some signs to pay attention to include: Excessive sadness or worry: One of the most sure-tell causes for concern includes emotions that seem to take over your child’s or teen’s thoughts and behaviors. If your child seems sad, hopeless, or disinterested in activities they once enjoyed for a prolonged period, it might indicate something deeper like depression or anxiety. Although it can be natural for children to be afraid of certain things, if your child is frequently fearful, anxious, or overly worried about things that don’t pose real danger, they may benefit from someone to talk to. It’s important to note that children sometimes express emotional distress through physical symptoms like stomachaches, headaches, or dizziness. If these are chronic, and no physical illness can be found, they could be related to anxiety or other emotional difficulties. Social withdrawal and isolation: Withdrawal from social interactions or family activities can also signal emotional struggles. Parents may begin to suspect something is wrong when their child eats alone at lunch, avoids social events, or appears reluctant to leave the home. Mood swings, irritability, or aggression: Frequent temper tantrums and outbursts that appear disproportionate to the stressor can be signs that your child is struggling with regulating their emotions or helpfully expressing their feelings. Changes in academic functioning: A sharp and unusual decline in academic performance can sometimes be linked to emotional or psychological issues. If you notice any of these signs persisting for a while and affecting your child's daily life, it may be a good idea to reach out to a child therapist for an assessment. Early intervention can make a significant difference in helping children build resilience, develop coping skills, and heal from emotional or behavioral challenges. Talking to your child or teen about mental health Christina believes that when speaking to your children about mental health, “don’t be afraid to broach the topic – emphasize that mental health is just as important as our physical health”. She adds that it is important “to create a safe space for your child and let them know it is okay to speak with you about how they feel. When listening to your child, try to encourage open communication and validate his or her feelings. Children might need time to open up, and that is okay. Give them the space and time to think about their feelings.” A patient and understanding stance can go a long way. What does child therapy look like? As kids mature and grow, so does their emotional and cognitive development. That’s why child therapy often looks different from adult therapy, and will vary depending on their age, needs, and temperament. According to Christina, the two most widely used approaches draw from Play Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. 1. Play Therapy: This is one of the most common approaches for younger children and allows youth to express themselves through play, art, games, and other creative methods. Since children might not have the vocabulary or maturity to articulate their feelings directly, play is a safe and natural way for them to work through and “talk about” their issues. 2. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) : CBT is a research-based, structured form of therapy that can be adapted for children and has been well validated to address concerns in anxiety, depression, or trauma. It focuses on identifying negative thought patterns and replacing them with healthier, more realistic ones. Because children have different cognitive and emotional processing compared to adults, CBT for kids tends to be more interactive, playful, and structured to match their developmental stage. Taking the first step If you’ve been wondering whether therapy could benefit your child, don’t hesitate to reach out. Life InSight’s team is here to support you and your family through every step of the process. Our experienced child therapists and psychologists specialize in working with children and adolescents, providing a safe and judgement-free environment for them to express their feelings and build effective coping skills. We offer in-person mental health therapy in our Bergen County location as well as virtual therapy options. Contact us today to schedule a free consultation and learn how we can support your child’s or teen’s mental health and emotional well-being.
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